MORE MOTORING EPITAPHS
James Johnson occupies this bunk;
He tried to drive while he was drunk.
Close by the brook sleeps Ernest Bass;
The bridge was narrow; he tried to pass.
Here reposes J.H. Kidd,
Who thought he wouldn’t skid – but did!
Here lie the bodies of both the Drakes;
They trusted too much in their four-wheel brakes
Heaven help women like aMrtha[Martha] Marr;
She took one lesson then drove her own car.
O’er Mike O’Toole they’ve now said Mass;
He reached for his brake – but stepped on the gas!
Here lie the remains of Percival Sapp;
He drove a car with a girl on his lap.
Slumbering here is William Blake;
He heard the bell, but had no brake.
Beneath this stone lies Henry Baines;
Ice on the hill – he had no chains!
Here’s Mary Jones, but not alive;
She made her car do sixty-ﬁve!
Ed. Smith is lost to earthly wiles;
He took a curve at fifty miles.
Beneath this turf lies Arthur Meek;
He used a match on a gas tank leak.
“Now Minnie, how many more times have I to tell you about those cobwebs? I’ve just had to sweep one off the bed-rails and put it in the ﬁre myself!”
“Good lawd, sir! That’s the missus’s fancy dress for tonight’s ball!”
John: “Professor Smith has given me a ticket for a lecture and I don’t quite know what he means by it.”
Charles: “Why, what is the trouble?” John:
“The lecture is on ‘Fools’ and on the ticket it says ‘Admit one!’ ”
Tramp: “Old lady, spare a copper for a poor old man.”
Lady: “How dare you say I am old!”
Tramp: “If you were crossing the road and saw a worm, would you pick it up?”
Lady: “Certainly not!” Tramp: “’Well, you are not a chicken!”
WHAT HE’D GET
An inspector was examining an elementary school at the beginning of the year. He asked a little girl “If I lend your father one hundred pounds; and he promises to repay me ten pounds every month from the 1st of March, how much will he owe me on the 31st December?”
The little girl hesitated a second and then replied: “One hundred pounds.”
“My dear child,” said the inspector, “you do not know the rudiments of arithmetic!”
“Oh, yes I do, sir!” she replied. “But you do not know my father”
Old Gentleman: “Remember, my man, hard work is the thing. Begin at the bottom and work up.”
Pat: “It can’t be done in my business, Sir, I’m a well digger!”
Inspector: “That new man will never make a detective.”
Chief; “How is that?” Inspector:
“There was a cwt. box of soap stolen from a railway van and the fool arrested a tramp.”
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